I don’t care how many people get mauled, it doesn’t change the fact that chimpanzees are awesome. There’s no question about it.
Just look at the facts:
They dance!
They smoke!
They’re cool with lesbianism!
But just because something is awesome doesn’t mean it should be in your house.
In fact, chimps are a lot like hookers. They also, dance, smoke, and are cool with lesbianism. But you sure as hell wouldn’t take one back to your home, where your wife sleeps and your children play with their toys.
So, just in case the recent mauling didn’t dissuade you, and you’re still considering purchasing a pet chimpanzee, we here at Sickpigs.com have put together a list of five reasons to not have a chimp in your home.
5. They fucking stink!
I mean, come on. Sure, we’ve all stuck our finger in our ass and then smelled it, but how many of us fainted afterward? Less that 50%, I’m sure. The same can’t be said of our smelly primate cousins.
4. They’re cannibals!
Chimps in the wild will eat their own, even if there is other food available. Why the fuck would they hesitate to eat you?
3. They will piss, shit, and jizz all over your stuff!
Ok, you’re over the smell, and you’re willing to risk it with the cannibalism. But can you really look us in the eye and tell us you’re cool will a chimp defecating all over your new waterbed, or rubbing jizz all over your brand new hyper-color shirt? I thought not.
2. Chimps don’t want to live with you!
Seriously, forget about what you want for a minute and think about the chimp. He doesn’t want to hang out with you. He’s not your “bro,” or “dogg,” or “life partner.” He’s a fucking chimp. If he ran into you in the wild he would kick your ass. So why in the hell would he want to live at your shitty place?
1. They will get fake tanner and hair gel all over your couch.
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